In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Tragic Garden
We've been going to the cemetery alot, Lorelei and I. Most of the time it's been just a quick drive through to see if Calvin's marker has been laid or not. And no, it hasn't as of today. A couple of days ago Lorelei and I were on our way home and I told her that I wanted to drive by and see if Calvin's marker was in yet. As we pulled into the cemetery, I turned the music down. Lorelei asked me why we were turning the music down and I told her it was out of respect for the people who lay there and the people who were visiting them. I explained that everyone in the cemetery was somebody's loved one at some time and that to honour their memories, we kept it a quiet and peaceful place. Lorelei was quiet for a moment and then said to me, "Mom, I don't like this tragic garden". "Why not honey?", I asked her. "Because it makes you cry", came the answer. "This place doesn't make me cry Lorelei, I cry because I miss your brother so much." She sat silently in the back for awhile and then said, "I miss Calvin too Mommy, but I still don't like this tragic garden." I smiled and told her that was okay, she didn't have to like it there but it was where her brother's body lay. On the way home the words tragic garden kept repeating themselves over and over again in my head. Yes, the cemetery is a tragic garden, full of sorrow and love and lives turned to stone. So pretty and so painful. All the flowers for people who can no longer enjoy them, full of people who visit probably more often now than they did when their loved one was alive. I haven't bought Calvin flowers for a couple of months, I've been waiting until his marker is set, but I think now I'll buy my daughter some flowers too.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.