Thursday, April 9, 2009

And This is Why...

And this is why I need therapy. I have baggage and loads of it. I don't know if I would deal with Calvin's death any easier if I didn't have baggage but my grieving is definitely complicated because of it. I wish I didn't hoard every ounce of pain and injustice in my life like some sort of packrat, that I could dispose of things that have hurt me and move on. I don't know why things that happened years ago play a role in how I'm feeling today, what makes up my personality or makes me think and feel the way I do. Letting go is hard. Getting over past hurts is hard. Letting go of guilt seems like an impossible task for me. I wish I could be in some ways one of those Middle Eastern women who self-flaggelate with their whips and chains and then feel atonement. I don't want to play the role of the martyr and seek pity, I just want to learn to live with what life has dealt me and be ok. I want to be stronger. I want to be a glass half full girl instead of the glass half empty girl that I am.

While we were in the hospital and Calvin's health and outcome were uncertain, I felt very much that the doctors responded to Shane's positive, happy, everythings going to be alright attitude alot better than my wailing and hand wringing. They probably shook their heads wondering how someone as light-hearted as my husband could be stuck with such an emotional, pessimistic, crazy woman. I know that we are a good balance for each other. I'm the stewer, he's the deal with it and move on guy. It works for us, but sometimes I wish I could be more like him. Less worried, less bogged down with guilt and pain. More able to move on with things instead of replaying events over and over and over in my head as I lay down at night to go to sleep. How do you change your ingrained habits, ways of thinking, personality? Is it a choice to be more carefree? How do I cut the ties to all the hurt and pain and fear that I carry with me? How do I ditch the baggage once and for all?

Today in therapy, we mentioned to our therapist that we were thinking about our future, where we want to go with our lives and we mentioned that we were considering moving. Suddenly I was paralyzed with the thought that if we move, I'll be leaving our son behind. The thought started to physically choke me, the lump in my throat felt like it was going to cut off my oxygen. I started bawling. "I'm not ready", I said, "I'm not ready to cut the ties to my son..." The guilt was overwhelming. What kind of mother could consider leaving her son behind to move on with her life....? I guess that having Calvin just down the street makes me feel a sense of comfort. The fact that I can see his grave from our upstairs window makes me feel connected with him in a way, that he's close by and when I need to I can walk over and see him. I'm terrified. I don't know if I can leave him. I'm also terrified that I will stay because I can't.


  1. Ach, I wrote a really long comment and it got erased when I tried to post it. I'll just say that I hope you find some peace from the guilt and that your son, Calvin, is very beautiful. I'm so sorry he's not with you in your arms.

  2. "emotional, pessimistic, crazy woman" -- they don't make us like they used to!!!