In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I've been miserable these last few days, a feeling of sorrow that I just can't seem to shake. Last night while sharing an intimate moment (*ahem) with Shane, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. We started to talk and he asked me what's been going on with me and I told him I think I'm anxious about Mother's Day. When he asked why, all the doubts and fears and hurts I've been lugging around lately came pouring out. I feel like I'm a failure as a mother, I feel an enormous sense of guilt for not spending enough time in the ICU with Calvin before he died. I feel like even though I'm here for the girls, I'm not really with them alot of the time because I'm off in my head somewhere thinking about my son. I tried to explain it to my therapist today. I have two of the most beautiful little girls here in front of me who I love more than anything, yet some days it's all I can muster to turn on the tv, put it on treehouse and remember to feed them and change their bums. I can't escape the images of Calvin on ECMO, how still and motionless he lay after his surgery, how I never held him again until he was dying. What kind of mother leaves her critically ill child in the ICU? I should have been pushier with family, should have insisted that they come up to my room and care for Georgia so that I could spend more time with my son. I should have told the doctors that I wanted to do things my way and had Georgia down in the ICU with Calvin before he was dying, so that she could snuggle him and touch him while he was still aware of what was going on around him. I should be more of a mother to my girls and learn to push my thoughts of him away so that I can focus on them, on loving them and making the most of their days while we're still all together at home. I don't want Mother's Day to come this year, I don't want to celebrate motherhood without one of my children here with me. I don't want to celebrate the poor excuse of a mother I've been lately to my girls. I wish I could make them understand that I'm hurting, that I don't mean to be off in my thoughts or so distracted by my memories that I'm not giving them the attention they deserve. I feel like I've been blessed with these two beautiful girls and I should be overcome with gratitude for having them instead of wallowing in self-pity over the loss of my son.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.