Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Searching for Meaning

It's been a down couple of days. Shane and I have been trying to get out more, trying to have some much needed fun. Last night we went for dinner and then to Cirque Sublime's Adamo. It was a let down. There were parts that dazzled for sure, but overall the experience didn't thrill me or leave me feeling satisfied. I guess maybe I was expecting too much having been to see Cirque du Soleil while I was pregnant with the twins. I don't know if I'm expecting too much out of my "getting out", maybe I'm just looking for something to momentarily distract me from my head. Today while I was out shopping, I stopped at the floral department of Safeway, looking for something to take to Calvin's grave. I took a small potted rose bush a week or so ago but it's been cold and I thoroughly expected them to have died. I did find a nice purple annual, the lady told me it was a spring bloomer and that you could mow it to the ground and it would come back next year. Perfect, I thought, so I purchased it and went on my way. When I got to the cemetery, I was a little upset to see no sign of the purple rosebush, and there were fresh grass seeds sprinkled on Calvin's grave. Obviously, the cemetery groundskeeper decided to dispose of the plant, it probably didn't conform to city by-laws which state that no bushes or flowers be planted on the cemetery grounds that could interfere with mowing. Still, it pissed me off. I want my son to have flowers, to have something beautiful adorn his plot until his marker is put in place. So, digging into the ground with my hands I planted the little plant at the foot of where he lies, hoping that it will be missed until the roots take hold and that even if they mow it down, it will come back to life next spring. I'm sad today. I feel like I'm searching for something to take the pain away, searching for the meaning in my life. I am trying random acts of kindness right now, hoping that the pleasure of doing nice things for other people will eventually make me feel good inside again but I don't know. I'm so tired of the weight of my grief, it feels like an anchor around my neck and somedays I barely feel like I'm keeping my head above water. I think I need to cry. I think I need to absolutely break down and freak out and fall on the floor kicking and screaming until it's out of my system for awhile. I don't know what I need. Maybe I just need a hug. It's so lonely this grief thing. I keep hoping for some great beam of enlightenment that will zap me into the realization of "why", and for some reason, I don't think it's going to happen. Hugs to me, hugs to you....

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