Friday, April 3, 2009

What Dreams May Come

A dream is a wish your heart makes,
When you're fast asleep,
In dreams you will lose your heartaches,
Whatever you wish for, you keep,
Have faith in your dreams and some day,
Your rainbow will come shining through,
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
A dream that you wish,
Will come true.....From Walt Disney's Cinderella

I want to talk about dreams today, specifically my dreams and lack of them. I haven't dreamt about Calvin yet, something that has been bothering me alot. Sleep has been another "unhealthy diversion" for me, in my sleep, I don't hurt. However, I have yet to dream about my baby boy and I want to more than anything. The other day I was writing about struggling with my faith, about needing to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God and heaven exist. I'm wondering if I've gotten a sign to let me know that they are in fact real, and that my Calvin is safe and being looked after by loved ones passed. Let me explain...

When I was a teenager, I met a boy named John Metzler. John lived at the coast and we met through a mutual circumstance. No matter. John and I became very close, in fact, I loved him. We connected like very few people connect with others in their lifetime, never getting bored of seeing each other or spending time together. I was pretty open with him about my feelings but never actively pursued a relationship with him, preferring instead to preserve the friendship by loving him without complications. I was too afraid that if something were to go wrong between us, that I would lose one of the best connections I had made with anyone. John was part of me, part of my soul, someone I could imagine living next door to for the rest of my life, sharing our families with each other, staying close forever. Oddly enough, John and I had a falling out over sex. One summer while he was up visiting, he showed up at my door at three oclock in the morning, I had been sleeping, so I buzzed him up, opened my apartment door and crawled back into bed. He had come into my room, sat down on the edge of my bed and we had begun talking. He was drunk and tired so I moved over and let him lay down beside me while we talked. Well, as you can imagine, one thing led to another and in no time we were kissing and holding each other but when it came time for the big decision, I backed out, too afraid that he wouldn't love me anymore, that things would forever change between us. He got dressed and left my apartment in a fury and we didn't speak for two years. I missed him more than anything, a huge void where he once had such an active part of my life. When I decided I could stand the rift not a minute longer, I called him crying, I told him how much I loved him and how my life hadn't been the same since he had left, that I thought about him all the time, wondering how things were going for him, what he was doing. He told me he loved me too, that he had missed me so much but had been embarassed by his anger at the fact that I wouldn't sleep with him, afraid I hated him for being an asshole....We talked for hours that day, little did I know it would be the last time we spoke.

John was killed in a car accident driving to the Okanagan to see me. He had always just "shown up", knowing that I would offer him a place to stay any time of day without hesitation. I read about his death in the newspaper and when I called his mother, his little brother Eric confirmed it for me and added that John had been on his way to see me when he died. I was devastated. Nothing in my life up to that point had shaken me, had hurt me so much. I thought I would die from the pain of it all. About two weeks after John died, I had an unusual it a dream, or a visit, or an out of body experience, it's too complicated or hard to define. Let me explain,

I was lying on my bed in my room, the same bed I had lain beside John only a few months before and I was crying, missing him so much my heart actually hurt. I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I know, I'm on the ceiling and I see myself lying on my bed crying. The next thing I know, I see a warm, yellow light shining in through the doorway and I raise up my head and see John. I'm excited and freaked out all at once and I start bawling harder...."You can't be here, this can't be real...", John looks at me and says "Why not?" and crying, I tell him, "because you're dead, you died, this can't be happening..." Sitting down on the edge of my bed, he takes me in his arms and says "I just wanted you to know I love you, and I'm alright." I can feel the warmth of the glow surrounding him as he gently leans over and kisses me twice, very lightly on the mouth..."You'll see me again, don't ever forget I love you, I have to go now..." The next thing I know, I'm no longer watching from the ceiling but I'm sitting up in bed, crying, gasping, and I could still feel the warmth of his hands on me, the lingering feeling of his kiss. My heart was pounding, and I'm thinking to myself, "Was this a dream?" To this day, I don't know. But something happened to me last night that makes me question it all over again...

I dreamed of John last night. I was with Shane, we were out somewhere and I ran into John and in my dream I realized I hadn't seen him for fifteen years. I'm excited and crying and hugging him like you wouldn't believe and we're talking and trying to catch up. Shane doesn't understand and although he's not saying much, I can tell he's insecure. John pulls me aside and kisses me quickly, and I tell him, "I'm married now, I don't want to upset my husband..." " I know," he tells me and pulls me into a hug. "Everything is ok, just know that, and we'll all be together again someday," he says. I'm looking at him, tears in my eyes, about to tell him about Calvin and all of a sudden, he's gone. When I woke up this morning, I thought about John, how he died at age 23 and never got a chance to see his son Jason grow up, and thought that maybe, just maybe, he's in heaven taking care of Calvin until I get there. I would love that, if there is anyone I would want him to be with up there it would be John. If it's a sign, I don't know, if it's just my troubled mind trying to make sense out of my emotions while I sleep, I don't know. What I do know is that if it were true, if I knew for sure, that I could spend the rest of my life knowing that Calvin is waiting for me with one of the people I have loved most in my life and I think I could find some peace in all of that....

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