In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Since the death of my son I've been suffering from the occasional bout of insomnia. I hate it. At night it seems that I can't turn off my head long enough to go to sleep. It's like a movie playing over and over again in my mind, looping thoughts of Calvin's life and death through my thoughts and making it hard to relax enough to let go and fall asleep. I have suffered insomnia on and off for the last five years, typically my sleep is disturbed when I am anxious over events past or yet to come. Things are getting to me right now. I am usually stressed when I feel like I'm not accomplishing the things I need to do in order for my life to feel on track and organized. The last week has been chaos. My dear friend Lisa, whom I've known since high school has been up from the coast visiting. It's the first time we've seen each other in about three years. Lisa and I have always been close, but at times I've had to distance myself from her when her lifestyle choices have clashed with my values and beliefs. It's hard to separate yourself from someone you love dearly because they are hell bent on self destruction. It's been a difficult separation for us and I've worried myself sick over some of her choices that were not only beneath her, but also dangerous. Thankfully her life is back on track and she is the wonderful girl I used to never get sick of spending time with years ago when we were giggling teenagers. It's been a wonderful visit. It's also been an extremely busy week for me, leaving me little time to do my usual routine of housework and blogging. I think that's why I'm not sleeping well. With little time to relax, I haven't had much chance to think about Calvin until I lay down to go to bed. I miss him horribly. I can't believe sometimes that life has carried on as per usual despite the fact that my beautiful son has died. It feels like an injustice to him almost, that no one else's life has been as disrupted as mine since losing my only son. It's hard to accept when you love someone so much that the world will continue on without them when they are gone. It's heartbreaking. Some days I just want to stop and scream out "This isn't fair". And it's not really. It isn't fair that we tried so hard to have our children only to face heartbreak after heartbreak with my recurrent miscarriages. Then to lose Calvin at six days old ripped my heart to shreds, made my whole world change, messed up my belief system and turned me into an emotional wreck who can't sleep most of the time unless I'm medicated. Fuck me it sucks. Oddly, life goes on despite the fact that I can't sleep which also seems unfair. Some days it feels like I have just closed my eyes when my girls are waking up and needing me to feed and change them, wanting my attention and expecting their routines not to be disrupted because I'm tired. I need a break. I need twenty straight hours of solid sleep without someone calling mommy, or wife, or the phone ringing...Do you think it will ever happen? Only in my dreams...how ironic.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.