A website that I visit, http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ , has asked the following questions. So, here are the questions and my answers:
1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.
Before: Definitely healthier than I am now. I slept better, ate better, exercised more and wasn't bogged down by the weight of sadness.
After: I have insomnia problems, I'm heavier, have less energy than before. I don't take as good care of myself as I have in the past. It's like the mental state I'm in has transitioned into a physical state I'm not happy with, but speaks volumes of the pain.
2 What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?
To be honest, not too much right now. I'm kind of just floating through my days, getting by. Although I'm feeling that when warmer weather comes, I will start spending more time outside in the sun and that will definitely improve my mental state.
3 Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.
Before: Carefree, fun, not as serious.
After: Deeper, more intimate. Definitely in the early days following Calvin's death, it was more loving and tender. Our relationship has become closer in alot of ways since his death, we've shared the most painful experience of our lives with only each other to understand the level of hurt. That intimacy has made sex richer, more fulfilling.
4 Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?
Well, yes. As mentioned, I have insomnia. I also have my c-section scar and still carry the linea negra on my tummy. I'm also in the process of having a memorial tatoo designed for my back, something that incorporates the twins and the loss of Calvin.
5 Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?
Yes, I do medicate. I'm not proud of my medicating, but it's what I need to get through my days sometimes without screaming. I'm cutting down. I'm also in counseling, have read a couple of grief books, have tried the Compassionate Friends Society (although I don't think it's for me), and I blog. I also visit blogs of mothers in similar situations. I talk, I cry, I suffer in silence alot. I have hope for my healing, I know there is a light out there that shines for me and I'm willing my spirit to move towards healing, it's just taking time. I was also given a beautiful book called The Shack, a must read for any bereaved parent struggling with God.
6 Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?
I haven't given physical healing much thought other than to lose some weight and quit medicating. Those are the things I'm moving towards.
7 If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?
Both. Peace with how my body has failed my pregnancies, peace with myself for feeling that failure, peace with the fact that my son has died. I don't want to feel tortured by his death for the rest of my life, I long for that quiet acceptance where I can mention his name and smile...
So, that's it. Not very deep I'm afraid, but it's pretty much where I'm at with things.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago