In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Friday, May 1, 2009
Despite the fact that Shane hasn't worked since before Calvin and Georgia were born except to do some billing and paperwork, we have spent little family time together. Today as we were lounging around the house, I asked Shane if he wanted to take Lorelei to McDonald's for lunch and to play in the PlayPlace. He thought it was a good idea so I suggested we stop by and pick up Lorelei's little daycare playmate Tanner and bring him with us. It was good. The kids sat nicely together at the restaurant and managed to eat most of their fries before the wait got too much for them and we took them to play. Tanner is a cute little boy, blonde haired and blue eyed and as I watched him and Lorelei sitting side by side eating their lunch, I had a pang of angst. He looks like he could be her brother. As I watched them run around having a great time together, an older woman who assumed he was also our child commented on how cute they were and wondered if the baby would be blonde haired and blue eyed also. I pulled back the hood on Georgia's carseat to show that she has dark hair like me although Shane and I are fairly sure her eyes will stay blue. Suddenly the rip in the fabric of our family became painfully obvious to me. Lorelei will never have the pleasure of chasing her brother around, Shane will never know the pride of watching his son conquer his fears and play rough and tumble with other little boys. The shadow of sadness over our happy time out was brief, I refused to get into my head about Calvin when my little girl was having such obvious fun. For an hour or two, I almost felt like we were a normal family and it was nice. I think we need to do stuff like this more often.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.