On Sunday it will be six months since the day our twins were born. I can hardly believe it. I wish I could push rewind and go back to those moments in the delivery room, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Although Calvin was born second, we got to hold him first because he was about to be rushed off to the NICU for assessment and to determine what exactly was wrong with his little heart. As he was placed on my chest, I remember looking into his beautiful little face, his eyes staring intently at me, I began to weep. I couldn't believe this gorgeous little boy was mine. I had spent the last seventeen weeks of my pregnancy on eggshells, scared to love him, scared to get too attached because I was so worried something would happen to him and my heart would be broken. The moment I looked into his eyes, I knew I would love him forever. He was perfectly pink and looked deceptively healthy. In an hour we would know otherwise but in this moment all my worries seemed to fade away and it was just the three of us caught up in the beauty of it all. In those first minutes Calvin was outside my body, I loved him more than some people love in a lifetime. All too soon he was whisked away and Georgia was placed in my arms. Double the love, I thought I'd burst with joy. Georgia stayed with me from that moment on, into the recovery room for a few hours, then to the NICU to see Calvin, then up to my room. Apart from my son, I lavished as much love on Georgia as I possibly could, holding her more than I had ever held a baby in the first hours of it's life. The experience was new and undeniably beautiful. Lorelei's birth had been a traumatic one and I hadn't even seen her until twenty-four hours after her emergency birth. Lorelei had also been a nursery baby, a preemie, and I was only allowed to hold her for feedings for fear of too much stimulation. The birth of the twins, although I was separated from Calvin, was a far better experience. Not only did I get to nurse Georgia within hours of her birth, but because she never left my arms, I truly felt like she was my baby. I love her so much, the bond we formed in her early days is deep and sometimes when she's upset all I have to do is pick her up and she is soothed. I miss that I didn't have that with Calvin, however, I'm glad Shane had it with him. Shane spent so much of his time downstairs with our son, first in the NICU then in the PICU cuddling him, singing to him, holding him close and loving him for both of us. I'm so glad my son knew love from his father, I'm so grateful Shane had that time with him. It helps me to remember all the love Calvin got from his dad when I'm feeling blue about not having had enough time with him. Our son is loved as much now as the day he was born despite the fact that I have been without him now for almost six months. A moment here on earth, an eternity in our hearts.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago