Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Looking Inward

It's been a few days since I blogged and although not much has really happened in my life, there have been a few things that have made me sit up and take notice. First of all, I'm starting to realize just how unhealthy I am and have been for months. During the last few months of my pregnancy with the twins, I was unable to do even basic things for myself due to severe back pain and pubic symphasis dysfunction. The weight of the babies on my belly was too much for me to even stand for more than five minutes at a time without feeling pain. Since that time, I have barely cooked. Shane did most of the meal planning in those last few months, much of which revolved around eating out so that he didn't have to cook. When Calvin died, I lost interest in food altogether and couldn't concentrate on even the most menial of tasks. The housework suffered, I didn't cook, I rarely left our bedroom other than to care for our girls in the following three months. Although I am no longer holed up in the bedroom and I am taking care of basic housework like laundry and dishes, I can't seem to find the motivation to cook or to really clean. There have been many days where Shane has asked what we're doing for dinner and my main priority is to make sure Lorelei is fed and after that I don't care. As a result, most of our meals have been either processed, prepackaged food or fast food. I don't feel well. I feel sluggish, unmotivated and heavy. I gained eight pounds of water weight over night a few days ago because I felt dehydrated and drank three bottles of water. I think my body is starting to rebel against my lack of care and I really need to do something about it. Not only that, but I'm unhappy with the way I look which makes me feel crappy on the inside. A woman I know to see asked me the other day if I was pregnant again. I was horrified and then angry. With a smile on my face I said as sweetly as I could muster "No, but thanks for asking." I could tell she felt bad but I didn't care. She made me feel not so great in that moment so her embarassment is well deserved. I don't get the lack of sensitivity or tact of some people. I think if I was pregnant, and wanted to share, I would tell people. If I don't mention it, than obviously it's none of your business. I'm feeling a little defensive about things, and I guess most of it comes from the shame of knowing that I have not been so kind to myself since my son died. There has been this aching empty feeling inside that I have tried to fill with food, drugs, shopping, sleep and whatever escape in the moment I can find. It's not working. I'm just feeling crappy about myself, about the food I eat, the money I spend, the drugs I take that I no longer need. Part of me wanted to die when Calvin died, maybe that's why I haven't cared to take care of myself since. However, sitting and talking with Shane after a bad movie watching experience the other night, opened my eyes to some things. One of those things is that I want to live to see both my girls marry and have children of their own. I want nothing more than to see my beautiful babies into adulthood, to see them succeed in life and be happy. I won't be able to do that if I keep up living the way I have been. I'm either going to get cancer, have a heart attack or die of an overdose in my sleep. I can't imagine how hurt the girls would be if I wasn't here to take care of them, to celebrate their first bras, prom, graduation and marriage and kids. I know how devastating it's been for me to be without Calvin, sometimes he's all I can think about. I want to change my life, it's going to be difficult at first but I think with small steps it will become easier.

*About our disastrous movie watching experience. We watched Marley and Me. Not the greatest movie to watch if you've recently lost a pet, which we did a few months ago. Also not the best movie if you've experienced the pain of miscarriage...That movie, while good, opened up a huge can of worms for me and my feelings and I spent yet another evening crying where I should have been enjoying myself.


  1. Pubic symphysis pain is a killer. I had it with big sister...but not as bad as what you describe.

  2. Margaret - I wanted to thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog. It means so much that others are involved in Nicholas' story.

    Your Calvin is simply gorgeous. I am so sorry that he is not here with you. I have a girlfriend in the area who also had twins last May. Her baby girl had a heart defect and lived a precious 2 weeks before she became an Angel. The twin connection is an extra set of heartache it seems.

    Take care of yourself - sounds like you are on the right path - small steps - that's all we can do.

  3. I understand on so many levels. I have slipped back into wanting 'pills I no longer need' as well. It's very hard. I made the mistake of watching Marley and me with L.O. and that brought on a whole slew of questions about Zoe...uugh.
    I hope you begin to realize how much you are worth and how much you mean to people (myself included). You really shouldn't have to go through all this and we live in a world that has no clue.
    You are so right about that women deserving her embarrassment. You don't go around asking people if they are pregnant unless you are 100% sure (like, they've told you so)! You were certainly nicer to her than I would have been.
    Keep your chin up and take care of yourself hun.
    love you, lindsay

  4. My heart aches for you, for me, and for all of us that have lost a child. Talking about wanting to see your girls grow up and how devastated that would be without a mother hit home. I too have not been the same person since baby Johnny died, but I push myself to do things for my other two children that are here with me and depend on me and its one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Thinking of you today~~