In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
How You Remind Me
Everything reminds me of Calvin, of what we've lost. We watched the movie Seven Pounds with Will Smith on Friday night. Neither Shane or I knew what it was about and the movie cover gave no clue as to the storyline. The movie was recommended by the friendly folks at Blockbuster so, Shane grabbed it having enjoyed just about everything Will Smith has been in before. As the movie ended, we were both crying, my crying turned into sobbing and I couldn't stop. My heart broke all over again. I am having a hard time accepting that I will never be normal again, that my life will never be as carefree as it used to be. I wonder if I will ever be able to watch the news, or a movie, or read a book without feeling the heartbreak of losing Calvin over and over again. Life has taken on a new meaning for us, our pain seems to have stripped off the layers of apathy we've accumulated over the years having been exposed to the everyday horrors of life. My soul is raw. Shane can no longer watch the news, television in general is bothering him. The only thing on our set these days is Treehouse and sports. How did we as a society become so desensitized to death? While I was pregnant with the twins, Caylee Anthony was big news and I remember watching CNN clucking to myself, what a shame...Now, any story of that nature has me convulsing with heaving sobs and huge tears. It leaves me wondering if everything in life will remind me in some way of our boy, and whether or not I'll be able to cope. I can't fathom walking through my days having everything make me cry. On one hand, I'm glad that I'm no longer numb to the horrors, for too long now I've quietly accepted the darker side of humanity, on the other hand, I feel like the world could slowly drive me insane. Am I ever going to be okay about not feeling normal again???
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.