In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Praying for Healing
My relationship with God hasn't been that great since my son died. In the days following Calvin's birth leading up to his surgery I prayed more than I had in years. When my son died, I prayed to God to bring us peace, to lead me to acceptance and I prayed for my marriage to stay together. About a month later I became so enraged at God for taking our son that I started to question everything I had believed in growing up. I started to doubt God's existence. I doubted God's goodness. I doubted whether I would ever see my son again because I couldn't be sure heaven existed. I have struggled between wanting to believe and hating Him. Today I sat down and had my first conversation with God that I've had in months. I prayed for healing, for my heart in all it's sadness. I prayed for my husband and our family. I prayed to be a better mother and wife, to live each day to it's fullest, and to let the small things that anger me go. I asked Him to help me heal my body, to eat healthier, to stop smoking, to get off painkillers. I prayed for a better relationship with Him, to help me trust and believe. I also asked God to take care of my son, to make my dad a better grandfather in heaven than he was a father here on earth. I prayed that my son know the love of all the people who have touched my life, who I have loved, and that have passed on to live in heaven. I asked God to let Calvin visit me in my dreams, to let me know he is okay. I prayed to be more family oriented, more involved in family activities even if it means facing my fears and becoming uncomfortable. I prayed that we find better ways to raise money for Children's Hospital and to have success in our fundraising so that maybe another family's child will live. I prayed to God to help me find the ways to express my gratitude to family and friends for all that they have done for me. Sometimes I find it so difficult to put a voice to my feelings, to let people know just how much they mean to me. I prayed to be more motivated and to live a less cluttered lifestyle and to be okay without having everything I want. I prayed for us to live smarter financially and for Shane to become more active in his business again. I prayed to God for His help in loving myself again, to let go of the self-loathing and guilt I pack around and to believe that I am worthy of a happy family and a man who loves me. I prayed for my girls, that they grow up healthy and sure of themselves so that they may follow their dreams. I pray my girls always know they are loved. I haven't prayed in so long I'm sure God was surprised at the length of conversation I had with Him today. I pray He was listening.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.