Praying for Healing

My relationship with God hasn't been that great since my son died. In the days following Calvin's birth leading up to his surgery I prayed more than I had in years. When my son died, I prayed to God to bring us peace, to lead me to acceptance and I prayed for my marriage to stay together. About a month later I became so enraged at God for taking our son that I started to question everything I had believed in growing up. I started to doubt God's existence. I doubted God's goodness. I doubted whether I would ever see my son again because I couldn't be sure heaven existed. I have struggled between wanting to believe and hating Him. Today I sat down and had my first conversation with God that I've had in months. I prayed for healing, for my heart in all it's sadness. I prayed for my husband and our family. I prayed to be a better mother and wife, to live each day to it's fullest, and to let the small things that anger me go. I asked Him to help me heal my body, to eat healthier, to stop smoking, to get off painkillers. I prayed for a better relationship with Him, to help me trust and believe. I also asked God to take care of my son, to make my dad a better grandfather in heaven than he was a father here on earth. I prayed that my son know the love of all the people who have touched my life, who I have loved, and that have passed on to live in heaven. I asked God to let Calvin visit me in my dreams, to let me know he is okay. I prayed to be more family oriented, more involved in family activities even if it means facing my fears and becoming uncomfortable. I prayed that we find better ways to raise money for Children's Hospital and to have success in our fundraising so that maybe another family's child will live. I prayed to God to help me find the ways to express my gratitude to family and friends for all that they have done for me. Sometimes I find it so difficult to put a voice to my feelings, to let people know just how much they mean to me. I prayed to be more motivated and to live a less cluttered lifestyle and to be okay without having everything I want. I prayed for us to live smarter financially and for Shane to become more active in his business again. I prayed to God for His help in loving myself again, to let go of the self-loathing and guilt I pack around and to believe that I am worthy of a happy family and a man who loves me. I prayed for my girls, that they grow up healthy and sure of themselves so that they may follow their dreams. I pray my girls always know they are loved. I haven't prayed in so long I'm sure God was surprised at the length of conversation I had with Him today. I pray He was listening.