Isn't she gorgeous? My first born Lorelei. For awhile I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love any subsequent children as much as I love her. I'm pretty sure that's why the terrible twos are given to us parents. These difficult years give us room to love our other children, to remind us just how precious babyhood really is. Lorelei is going to be four in a few months and she is torn between wanting to be my baby again and asserting herself as a big, independent girl. She has given me so much in her few years. She has taught me about love, selflessness and patience. The patience has been important as of late, the sibling rivalry she feels for Georgia comes out in funny, sometimes hurtful ways. A couple of days ago as I was playing with Georgia on the floor, Lorelei came and squished herself into my lap, getting in between me and her sister. " Mom, I want to tell you something..." "Georgia is a really nice baby, but her has to go back now." "Back where?" I asked her. "Her needs to go back to the doctors, I don't want her here anymore...". I was torn between laughing and a feeling of sadness. "No, I think we'll keep her," I said. "Well maybe we can give her to God and get Calvin back," came the reply. "No honey, Georgia is not going to God, she is going to stay here with us and be your sister." "Oh alright, I guess so..."said Lorelei. Sheesh, I'm thinking, in a way I admire her openness and honesty, but it bothers me that she thinks we can give her to God and get Calvin back. How do you make a three year old understand the permanence of death? How do I reassure my firstborn of her importance and place in our family? The last year has been such a time of upheaval for her, I know there are days she feels insecure. If I could change the experience of losing Calvin for her, I would. I would do it just so that she could have a few more years to grow and enjoy her childhood without being touched by the experience of pain and loss. It's hard enough for an adult to understand why these things happen. For children it's a complete mystery, especially when they have no concept of God or heaven or where people go or what happens to them when they die. I wish I could have protected her from it all. I feel saddened that I couldn't.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago