Monday, May 4, 2009

Princess Lorelei

Isn't she gorgeous? My first born Lorelei. For awhile I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love any subsequent children as much as I love her. I'm pretty sure that's why the terrible twos are given to us parents. These difficult years give us room to love our other children, to remind us just how precious babyhood really is. Lorelei is going to be four in a few months and she is torn between wanting to be my baby again and asserting herself as a big, independent girl. She has given me so much in her few years. She has taught me about love, selflessness and patience. The patience has been important as of late, the sibling rivalry she feels for Georgia comes out in funny, sometimes hurtful ways. A couple of days ago as I was playing with Georgia on the floor, Lorelei came and squished herself into my lap, getting in between me and her sister. " Mom, I want to tell you something..." "Georgia is a really nice baby, but her has to go back now." "Back where?" I asked her. "Her needs to go back to the doctors, I don't want her here anymore...". I was torn between laughing and a feeling of sadness. "No, I think we'll keep her," I said. "Well maybe we can give her to God and get Calvin back," came the reply. "No honey, Georgia is not going to God, she is going to stay here with us and be your sister." "Oh alright, I guess so..."said Lorelei. Sheesh, I'm thinking, in a way I admire her openness and honesty, but it bothers me that she thinks we can give her to God and get Calvin back. How do you make a three year old understand the permanence of death? How do I reassure my firstborn of her importance and place in our family? The last year has been such a time of upheaval for her, I know there are days she feels insecure. If I could change the experience of losing Calvin for her, I would. I would do it just so that she could have a few more years to grow and enjoy her childhood without being touched by the experience of pain and loss. It's hard enough for an adult to understand why these things happen. For children it's a complete mystery, especially when they have no concept of God or heaven or where people go or what happens to them when they die. I wish I could have protected her from it all. I feel saddened that I couldn't.


  1. You and me both. L.O. is always asking when she'll have a baby brother or a sister that gets to come home. Zoe's death left her still the only child.
    She still gets sad. The other day she was upset because she tried to tell her teacher at school about Carly and the names in the sand and she came home sad an said her teacher didn't listen, didn't want her to talk about it in front of the other kids. It stung me when she told me. I only pray she doesn't always have to feel so alienated by others because they don't see what happened to her as age appropriate for other kids. Is she supposed to pretend she never had a sister when talking about her family?
    Uggh, if only there were a manual.

    It's all so sad, too much sometimes.
    Hang in there.
    Xox Lindsay